Many of us who are non-believers have problems holding on to our ideology in times of crisis. This happens during illness, the death of someone who is close, and the performance of some of the rituals connected with the religion into which one is born. We have to have our own ways to deal with such things. I am going to narrate some incidents that I can recall so that they could be of some guidance to others who share our ideology and probably give them the strength to face such pressures. This is not an instruction manual for us atheists, but a narration of my experiences, which show that even in an orthodox society, it is possible for one to live with one’s own convictions and resist pressure to conform to the so-called norms of the religion into which one is born.

I have been an atheist probably from the age of ten or so—or at least for five decades of my life. When I was a child and naturally dependent on my parents, there was some difficulty in stating that, but my mother knew about it. The first ceremony in which I should have been willingly involved was the thread ceremony. When it was said that it would be inflicted on me, I refused. Somehow, there was no pressure about that, and my two brothers and I managed to reach adulthood without that being inflicted on us. Then came the examinations, particularly the school and college examinations, which I managed to pass without any offerings or prayers to non-existent gods. When I passed my Master’s degree with a university first rank and a distinction, some of my friends and relatives were totally surprised that I managed to pass without any prayers or offerings to gods. However, all warned me that I would have to make compromises in my stand when I got married—because the marriages in the community into which I was born involve religious rituals, matching of hor(ror)oscopes, and such stupidities. I told the scoffers that I would marry only someone who would agree to my conditions. I was told to prepare myself for a lifetime of bachelorhood! I managed to overcome that, and my marriage, too, was conducted under the conditions put forward by me—that is, no religious ceremonies, superstitious rituals, and so on. In India, we have a Special Marriage Act under which no religious ceremonies need to be performed, and the very act of registration by the concerned official constitutes the marriage ritual. I married Asha, who was agreeable to these conditions. At the time of taking the decision to marry, I had told her that I was an atheist and no religious rites were to be performed in my residence. For many years, I was staying with my parents and hence could not impose any conditions, as I was staying in their house and not the other way around.

The same was the condition when I started a very small-scale industry with some partners—my condition was that no bribes would be given to anyone and no religious ceremonies would be performed. We managed to do that, and we are still running it with these conditions unviolated at any time since it was started in 1976! No religious ceremonies have been performed nor any religious symbols displayed on the premises to date. The same has been applied to my residence once I purchased one, too. Many times, there are conflicts with one’s spouse and those relatives or friends who stay with us. When someone comes to stay in my house, I impose one condition: no religious rituals can be conducted in there. They are free to pray and even keep a religious icon in their bedroom, but they cannot light fires or incense. Priests of any religion cannot perform any prayers at my house.

In fact, when I purchased a new apartment and the housewarming was to be done, we invited our friends and relatives to a lunch on a new moon day falling on a Saturday—supposed to be the most inauspicious day. When people queried why, I told them that on that day all invitees would come, as there would be no other function on that day! It was true—all invitees turned up! The menu consisted of all items, including non-vegetarian dishes—people were shocked because no Hindu would do that. Some of my relatives asked me how I could do that for a housewarming. I replied that there was no compulsion on them to eat the non-vegetarian items, but I could see quite a few of them helping themselves very liberally to the very same things which they claimed should not be served for a housewarming. One of my relatives asked me where the puja room was. It is customary in the community into which I was born to have a separate room for performing ritualistic worship to the myriad gods of the Hindu pantheon. I pointed to a room, and when he opened it, it was the toilet. He was quite cut up with me and asked me whether that was the way to answer his question. Then I told him that, knowing that I am an atheist, he should not have asked such a question. I reminded him that God was omniscient and asked him what the problem was if you worship there! I also reminded him that that room would fulfill a more essential need than a room to worship any god! I told him that one could be alive without worshipping any god, but cannot live without using the toilet!

The major problems that one gets are when someone is ill. In 1985 or so, I had an attack of fever that was not coming down with any medication. A few weeks before, we had taken on the proprietor of a place of worship nearby. His henchmen had kidnapped, raped, and murdered the daughter of an atheist who had dared to contest an election there. Our group had protested against that and had demanded a CBI inquiry, as the local police were hand-in-glove with them. The temple which he owned was supposed to have a very powerful deity who could destroy anyone. When I came down with the illness, which could not be properly diagnosed and treated, it was said that it was the curse of this deity that caused it. Many rituals were proposed to my parents and wife so that the curse could be withdrawn. But I was adamant and said, “Nothing doing.” In fact, I got well a few days after this suggestion was made, and if I had succumbed to that, it would have been cited as the best proof of the powers of that god! Many times, we have had to resist attempts to thrust homeopathic medicines on us, too.

In 1995, my mother was dying of cancer. At that time, suggestions were made by her relatives and some other well-wishers that she should be treated with all sorts of quack remedies, including homeopathy. She firmly resisted those and told everyone to let her die in peace. She also told me on her deathbed that her body should not be taken in a procession with all the decorative marks of a lady who had predeceased her husband! In the community in which I was born, that was considered to be the best sort of death for a married lady. She also told me that, while she knew I would not perform any ceremonies for sending her soul to heaven, she requested me not to donate her remains to a medical college; she wished to be cremated without any religious rituals. But her last wishes were not respected by my father, who summoned a priest. No priest was willing to come, as the moment they heard her son’s name, they gave some excuse and went away. Finally, an amateur priest was summoned, who came with a book of incantations in his hand. I told him that since he had been summoned by my father, he could ask him to do whatever he wanted, but I would not do anything connected with any religious ceremony. It turned out that he was not willing to do those, as only the sons had to do them. I refused point-blank and told them I would be involved only to the extent of taking her body for cremation. The amateur priest who had come was very professional in his approach, particularly about collecting the fees for the various rituals. My father also emotionally blackmailed my brothers into taking part in all the rituals. The first thing that the priest did was consult his almanac and announce grandly that this lady had died at a very inauspicious time. In fact, I was told that the same is said of every death. She had passed away at the conjunction of five planets, and unless appropriate rituals were done to propitiate them, five more members of the family would die. I replied, “Let us not do them and see what happens!” Their reaction was, “Do you think these are very frivolous things?” I said, “Yes, what you people are saying sounds like a joke!” Then came the cremation, and after a few days, the issue of sending her soul to heaven. I refused to perform any ritual connected to that. My father, and even more so the members of my mother’s natal family, tried to persuade me to perform those rituals. I had to face their wrath for not performing them, but I refused to succumb.

The next occasion when a death took place in our family was when my father passed away. He had end-stage renal failure and was hospitalized. I had fixed some training programs in Uttaranchal at that time and did not want to cancel them, so I had to go ahead. When I was starting on my journey, I was told by the nephrologist that he would not survive until my return. But I did not want to put the organizers in trouble because of my personal problems and went ahead after making arrangements for his treatment and disposal of the body after death. The news of his death came when I was busy in the training program. The trainees asked me what the matter was, and I told them. They asked me whether the program was called off and if they had to go back. I asked them why, and they said because I would be going back. When I asked why I should go back, they were very surprised. I told them that if my father could come back to life, I would certainly go back. Once a person is no more, all that is needed is to cremate the body. I told them I had already made arrangements for that and that it was more important to do something for the living than to grieve for the dead. They said that in their place, the one who dies is lucky; the living have to suffer. When I queried why it was so, they said that the dead person’s family had to provide the priest who performs the rites with all his requirements for a year! The expenses of sending a person to heaven were so high that some families had to mortgage their houses to meet them!

After a fortnight, when I reached home, some people told me that I was an ungrateful son for not having sent my father’s soul to heaven. They said that if I could not afford it, I should have performed at least a Grade 3 ceremony to send his soul there. When I queried what that was, I was told that a 1st Grade ceremony would cost Rs. 10,000 or more. When I asked how much more, I was told there was no upper limit—it all depended on the son’s capacity! One could even spend millions on it. The 2nd Grade one would cost Rs. 8,000 and was for the poor. The 3rd Grade was for the really pauperized person and would cost only Rs. 3,000. So, even sending one’s departed to heaven could be done by different types of transport depending on one’s capacity to pay!

By contrast, when Premanand—whom I consider my ideological father—warned me on his deathbed: “Do not cancel any program to come and see my dead body.” He was very particular that no religious rites should be performed for his body and stated that he did not have any soul! We had made arrangements for that through our rationalist groups, and his body was donated to a medical college. I have seen hypocrites who never bothered to look after their parents when alive, shedding copious tears over their bodies and performing all sorts of rites with pomp and ceremony to show others how much they cared for their parents!

I came under attack from members of my father’s family. In fact, a few years after my mother died, there was “trouble” at the family house. The family into which I was born has an ancestral house where the family deity is installed and all the religious ceremonies are performed. All members of the extended joint family meet there for religious ceremonies on certain festival days. When the cause for that trouble was “researched” by some as(s)trologers who charged huge sums for their “services,” a great discovery was made: my mother’s soul was the one causing the problems! It was because I, being the eldest son, had not performed the ceremonies that should have sent it to heaven! So, they asked me to do that. I refused. Finally, the as(s)trologers cast a magical spell around the family house so that the “trouble” would cease and her soul would not enter there! Probably her soul is still doing the rounds looking for someone to send it on to heaven! They raked this up and told me, “You did not do that when your mother died, and you are not doing it again now that your father is dead.” I said, “It will not be done when I die either, so you can be ready for more ‘trouble’ when I die, too!” It seems very important to feed the priests, perform all sorts of mumbo-jumbo rituals, and pay the priests through the nose to send someone’s soul to heaven after death! The degree of love for a parent is not determined by how one treats them when alive, but by what one does after they die! It is apparently more important to take care of the soul after death than the body when one is alive!

Another problem is declaring one’s religion on official records. During every census, I have told the enumerators that I am an atheist and made them make such a note on the form which they fill up. At the university where I was employed, they sent a form to all the faculty asking them to fill in details of their caste and religion. I wrote “NIL” for both. I got a memo from the head of the institution asking me to state my caste and religion once again. I replied that I had neither. That was followed by one more memo asking for the caste and religion into which I was born. At that time, I had no option but to state them, with a rider that one is not born into a religion. This is a problem many times, including when submitting affidavits to the courts, in which I have to take care to see that no religion is mentioned.

Some of the atheist groups have evolved their own secular, non-religious ceremonies for those who do not want religious rituals performed for them. The atheist groups of Tamil Nadu have their own type of marriage called a “Self-Respect Marriage,” in which no supernatural power is invoked. The Arjak Samaj, another atheistic group in North India, has its own non-religious ceremonies for marriage, birth, and death. Humanist groups all over the world have their own secular, non-religious ceremonies for life milestones. So, it is not necessary to follow any superstitious rituals to record important events in life. It can be done without invoking any deity or supernatural powers.

It is very important that we who claim that all these ceremonies invoking supernatural powers are useless should have the courage not to perform them or take an active role in them. We should have the courage of conviction to stick to our ideology in times of crisis so that we do not perform any actions that go against our convictions. I know that many of us will say it is very difficult for us to do that, but it is not impossible. We can resist the imposition of superstitious beliefs on us by others if we have the willpower. I have tried to live up to my convictions so far and will try to do so as far as possible. I do hope that this will be an example for those who want to live a life based on their own convictions, and not those thrust upon them by society or religious authorities. Again, I have to mention that the inspiration to live my life in this way has come from those in the rationalist movement who showed through their actions that it is possible to do so. I must mention the names of Abraham T. Kovoor and B. Premanand, who were my major inspirations. We also had senior radical humanists like G. K. Nettar and B. R. Mallya in Mangalore, who were much older, had lived their lives by such principles, and guided me whenever I had doubts. It is because of them that it was possible for me to do things this way.