After providing transportation services to the population of this country, the Indian Railways have also gone into the field of health services. Last June, I was surprised to see very bold flex prints in railway premises stating that “Sin causes disease.” When queried, the authorities replied that these were put up in public interest. One could understand the anxiety of these authorities to bring this latest scientific research to the attention of the ignorant public—that a really dramatic, earth-shaking discovery had been made that sin causes disease. However, these were silent about treatment.

Now, latest research has proven that a gadget can be a panacea. I had been waiting in the waiting hall of the South Western Railways at the Mysore Railway station on the 25th of October and saw a gadget in the hall. This, being a latest discovery in the field of medical science, has now been provided for the benefit of railway travelers in general and upper-class ones in particular. This promises to set right as many diseases as exist in medical textbooks, except for a few about which we can see later. It ensures good blood and lymph circulation. Going on, it ensures the secretion of enzymes and hormones from all glands in the body. It increases immunity, burns excess fat, and keeps your body sleek and trim. It also influences lipid metabolism by bringing down LDL cholesterol levels. Besides, it brings down miraculously LDL cholesterol levels—of course, it does not say anything about increasing HDL cholesterol, but since most of the lay public does not understand that, it has been left out! Perhaps one can expect it to do that, too.

The contribution to the general health of the individual is very, very valuable, to say the least. As already mentioned above, it increases immunity and also prevents disorders and diseases. One can expect to be immortal using this machine, as it not only reverses ageing but also provides freedom from fatal diseases. It also discharges toxic wastes from the body effectively (probably through air, as nothing has been said as to how it is going to be accomplished). The fitness freaks have not been left out; in fact, they are told that it never makes you sweat, but you are always kept fighting fit. It also promises exercise equal to hours of jogging within 15 minutes in the privacy of one’s home (of course, those who painted the blurb have forgotten that the machine can also be kept in public places)! It also tones muscles and keeps the body fit. What more can one desire?

Going on, diabetic and thyroid patients are not kept out. It promises cures for both. In fact, its miraculous effects can be felt by both hypo- and hyperthyroid patients—both types would become euthyroid. Patients of myocardial infarction or heart attack, take heart: you can be totally cured by this machine. Psychiatric illnesses, the bane of modern society, can also be effectively dealt with by this gadget. It promises cure from insomnia, tension, and a myriad of other mental illnesses. Having benefited so many, how can blood pressure be ignored? In fact, it is of benefit to those with hypertension and hypotension; in the case of the former, it will decrease it to normal levels, while the latter can expect an increase to normal. For those who have not known the machine and hence have fallen prey to disease, there is nothing to worry about—it also speeds up the healing process! Neurological patients need not feel left out; it cures paralysis and diabetic neuritis. The respiratory system has not been ignored—relief from allergies, dry cough, etc., is also indicated on the blurb.

For those who may think that this comes at a heavy price, there is a surprise. It costs only Rs. 5 for a 15-minute use, which is equal to a 5 km jog. The instructions are simple: insert a five-rupee coin, hold on to the handles on the side, and it will do the rest. Well, for those who are prone to think that it is the solution to all of our health problems—you are wrong. It is not. Like all good things, there are some exceptions to our cure-all gadget—it cannot be used by women in menstruation, pregnancy, or menorrhagia, or those with skin diseases. Besides, ones with metal implants, pacemakers, and those suffering from cancer, TB, or malignant tumours (in fact, those who had not come to know of the wonderful effects of this well in time) cannot be cured and are specifically barred from using it. Again, those who have consumed alcohol are also in the barred category (perhaps because it may bring down the intoxication levels, and you know how alcoholics are—they may ask for their money back and compensation for the money they spent on drinks, too!).

Last heard of, the railways are planning to buy these machines and close down their hospitals. They are also planning to install one at Railway Minister Didi’s house to keep her in good health. Well, I plead guilty. My interest in this machine and the taking of photographs got one person interested in it. He frantically hunted for a five-rupee coin—which was finally given to him in exchange for loose change by the waiting room attendant—clutched the handles, inserted the coin, and waited for the miracle to happen. When the process was over, I mustered the courage to ask him whether he was relieved of anything. He said, “I don’t know about any other things, but I was surely relieved of my five rupees!”

Coming to serious issues, should the railways promote such dubious gadgets on their premises? Is there no accountability for such claims? Such claims are an offence under the MRTP Act (now defunct), the Consumer Protection Act (still in force), the Drugs and Magic Remedies (Objectionable Advertisements) Act, and a number of others. Should the railways allow such gadgets to be kept on their premises to mislead the public? The railways, who claim to have a number of regulations to prevent customers from being cheated, should pay attention to things like this, too.